Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
It’s no secret that the University of Massachusetts Amherst is famous for its food (best campus dining nine years running), but no one ever asks why. This reporter did. What I uncovered could change everything.
It began with a seemingly innocent post on the popular student social media YikYak. A picture of a rodent running amok in one of the dining halls started to receive mass attention. Soon, Mouse in Berk was certifiably viral. However, just as quickly as the buzz was created, it died into nothing, almost like something was trying to stop it from getting out. Hmmmmmmmmmm.
The two had to be connected — but how? I decided to get to the bottom of it. I began my investigation by interviewing a Berkshire dining hall employee by the name of Geronimu Stenton.
“Yeah, I don’t know about any mice, rats or rodents of any sort,” Stenton said. “Of course, rodents are known to be super chill and really great all around. Smart too. Good at anything they try, really. But yeah, no, I haven’t seen any.”
I wasn’t convinced. Stenton was certainly acting a little funny. Since when did the dining hall cooks wear those big chef hats anyway? He was clearly so obsessed with the stupid thing he couldn’t stop looking up at it. Newsflash, it doesn’t look THAT good. Time to get another point of view.
Stoart Lattle mans the infamous deli counter at Franklin Dining Commons. When I asked him what he believed set UMass dining apart from the rest, he sat back, adjusting his unusually high baseball cap while considering my question.
“I know everyone loves the deli, but I can’t take credit for its success. Like, I really cannot take credit. It’s almost like there’s something up there guiding me while I make the sandwiches. So really everyone should be thanking them,” Lattle said.
I then posed the question of what he would improve about the deli if he could.
“I mean, if it were up to me, maybe people would be able to get two sandwi- OW, okay, I mean nothing at all, the deli is perfect,” he said.
As he walked away, massaging his scalp, I pondered the interaction. Was he lying? I didn’t blame him for taking back that last part. Two sandwiches? At once? Ridiculous. Talking to underlings was getting me nowhere. It was time to direct my attention to management.
I sat down with Tim Pelton, manager of Worcester Dining Commons, late one night to ask him about the tricks of the trade and whether he had observed anything suspicious recently.
“One of the things that sets our dining apart from the competition is our inclusivity in the hiring process,” Pelton explained. “We don’t discriminate. For example, three of our employees are legally blind. Best guys I know.”
When asked about suspicious activity, Pelton declined to comment.
“I can’t think of anything that could possibly be going on above — I mean, behind the scenes that would interest the general public!”
I reflected on the conversation as I circled the inside of Worcester. Something about the time Pelton took to answer my questions unnerved me. It was almost as though I could see the brain moving under his unusually large and fluffy hairdo. But what reason would he have to mislead me?
While inspecting the daily special (some kind of French dish composed of round slices of various vegetables arranged in a spiral), my train of thought was interrupted by a poster that had fallen to the floor in front of me. CHEESE WEEK, it read. ALL DCs. Wow, gotta make sure I come back for that!
Back at home, I compiled notes from my various interviews. I could feel myself becoming obsessed. Good food, funny hats, cheese week … what could it all mean? Whew, I must admit I’m a little stumped on this one. That first paragraph was clickbait — I really thought I’d have it figured out by now! Maybe a movie will help me unwind. Something animated, Pixar, maybe involving talking animals … I know! Finding Nemo!
But never fear, reader, tomorrow I’m back on the case! I have an interview with the dining director of sanitation, some guy who always wears pristine white gloves … I think his name is Mickey?
Best Reporter Ever has probably been hired at the Times by the time you read this. Maybe the Post. Somewhere big and impressive where their talents are truly appreciated.
Dining and Cooking