PARIS — “Personally, I count the number of potatoes on each plate before serving my boyfriend…” Manon let out an embarrassed laugh, but the 26-year-old care assistant makes no secret: she hates sharing her food. She may share something out of courtesy or obligation, but it’s always “reluctantly.”
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“If it’s someone close to me, I take the liberty of refusing to share,” she insists. Like her, there are many people who hate it when someone picks off their plate. In December 2024, an OpinionWay study commissioned by HelloFresh on couples’ culinary quirks revealed that 40% of French people categorically refused to let their partner peck at their food.
But where does this aversion to sharing food come from? A psychologist and a food sociologist share their expertise on a very sensitive topic.
Not having enough?
Eating is not just about nourishing oneself. In France, especially, where the French gastronomic meal has been listed as a UNESCO intangible cultural heritage since 2010, shared meals hold a place of great importance. Yet, eating is, above all, an individual act.
“There is a real paradox here,” explains Estelle Masson, a lecturer in food psychology. “Even though, in principle, we share meals, once the food is on the plate, it belongs to the individual and can no longer be claimed by anyone else. Some people may feel dispossessed when they are forced to share their portion.”
This paradoxical attachment, which is not linked to a lack of food or supply, nonetheless triggers a strong emotional reaction. “Just the thought of someone trying to take food from my plate annoys me, even disgusts me. It could be the person I love most in the world, but it’s the same, I’m afraid I won’t have enough to eat,” admits Augustin.
As a result, this heightened emotional response can lead to feelings of loss or anger. “The individual does not have access to their full portion, despite an agreement at the start of the meal. This inequity creates obvious frustration,” the specialist explains. This fear of lacking food is often rooted in childhood, particularly in a family context where food becomes a significant issue.
Family context
Anyone who has grown up with siblings will admit that at some point, they had to defend their share against an older, stronger sibling or a younger, more determined one. This was the case for Manon: “I’m the youngest in my family, and one of my sisters, who had a real sweet tooth, always managed to get to the treats before me.”
At every meal, bread became a real issue, almost a territorial one, within the family. Everyone made sure they had enough, sometimes even keeping it close to themselves. “My father was always afraid of running out,” Manon recalls.
According to Estelle Masson, this is an instinctive, almost primal behavior, comparable to the dynamics of a pack, where each individual protects their share of food.
Initially unable to assert herself or simply not having arms long enough to reach the food on the table, Manon gradually learned over the years to stand her ground. “I realized I was too kind and that I needed to learn to look after my own interests, without doing so at the expense of others. I love making people happy, I love hosting, but I don’t believe in self-sacrifice.”
Bread became a real issue, almost territorial.
Augustin is the eldest of four siblings, growing up in a household where fast food, sodas, and sweets were forbidden. On the rare occasions when his mother bought a jar of chocolate spread, it was an all-out war: “I was always afraid I wouldn’t get enough,” he recalls.
This fear emerged when his sisters were born, forcing him to learn how to share. Later, as a teenager, this dynamic shifted again when his parents got divorced: “My mother was raising four children alone on a teacher’s salary. I witnessed her financial struggles, and my approach to sharing with my siblings changed overnight. I made sure they had enough to eat before serving myself. But I have always hated sharing food from my own plate.”
Beyond family habits, our relationship with food also evolves with the increasing individualization of modern consumption patterns.
My plate, my identity
In an era where individualized meals are becoming more prevalent, especially with the rise of food delivery services and pre-prepared meals, will we become increasingly more inclined to refuse sharing? “It’s a possibility,” says Éric Birlouez, a food sociologist. The heart of the matter, however, lies in the individualization of meal styles: “Just ten years ago, the majority of French people would have their family meals at the table, where, in general, everyone had the same content on their plate. Today, we notice that everyone wants something different on their plate.”
We now attach values to food
Vegetarian, gluten-free, vegan, local… not to mention the influence of social media platforms like TikTok and its food trends. Today, our plates are a direct reflection of our commitments and our identity. “We now attach values to food beyond just taste or sharing, such as environmental protection. There’s a real desire to assert oneself,” explains Éric Birlouez.
However, this shift does not spell the end of the traditional French meal, according to the expert, who believes in the enduring appeal of “gathering around a table to share.”
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