Dining and Cooking
I’d like to turn myself in for a crime committed at work years ago.
In Pizza Crimes

I’d like to turn myself in for a crime committed at work years ago.


Yes, those are slim jims on reheated 7-11 pizza. I live in grief every night of my life.

by DollarsAtStarNumber

28 Comments

  2. Lapcat420

    Been there, it’s not a crime to feed yourself.

  3. Filthiest_Tleilaxu

    At first I thought it had asparagus and was inclined to show leniency but slim jims…my god.

  4. vegienomnomking

    When you are homeless, and it is snowing outside, sometimes it is better to spend a night in jail.

  5. ToyrewaDokoDeska

    Misdemeanor. It’s pepperoni adjacent and I would like to try it now

  6. Nice-Habit-8545

    You made the right call to turn yourself in. Get yourself a good Pizza Lawyer and that can be knocked down to a misdemeanor and some minor pizza based community service.

  7. Illustrious_Guava_87

    Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what we have here is not a crime against pizza. It’s a man making the best of a tough situation.
    Have we not all been faced with the dreaded blank cheese pizza, and thought to ourselves, “What if?” What if this pizza could be more than it is? What if it had a couple olives? Some onions? A pepper? Or even…. a pepperoni? Faced with such a choice what do we do? We suck it up and settle for the bland pizza. Every. Damn. Time. Depriving ourselves of what could have been a higher form of pizza: one with something beyond the minimum. Ladies and gentlemen, this night my client decided the minimum simply wouldn’t do. He took the initiative, got the pepperoni, ripped it as best he could and in doing so got what he yearned for: a slightly above minimum pizza.

    And isn’t settling for just above minimum the very thing that makes this country great? If we are to convict this man, then so must we convict us all, for all of us at one time or another have committed the greater crime of settling for the minimum pizza.

  8. Expensive-Safe-6820

    I can’t do slim jims. They look like dog treats

  9. Rafiki_Rana

    Were you desperate for some type of meat in your food? If so I can %100 sympathise with this. I’ve tried some weird combination out of pure hope.

  12. RockinRhombus

    damn, that’s a low.

    Moreso because it’s REHEATED. damn.lol

  14. itsbuddytime

    Lmao I definitely did this the other day when I was drunk, the next day I reheated some without looking at it, took a bite and was like …. what meat is this. Wasnt bad at all. Would do again.

  15. Dayreach

    Ehh… I’d chop the slim jims into much smaller bits than that, but honestly I’ve seen worse ideas for makeshift toppings

  17. Ok_Rip_5960

    Just missing cigarette butts and some used coffee grounds

  20. Ok-Blueberry-6077

    A Civil violation at best. The “Jaywalking” of Pizza Crimes as it were.

  23. Infinite_Tiger_3341

    This may be the lowest of lows (not in any meaningful way or anything, but damn)

  25. PlanarScalar

    Well, it’s not like the pepperoni or sausage would be much different. This is a misdemeanor at best. 8hrs community service at Little Ceasars.

  26. redditsuckspokey1

    Years ago? Hmm statue of limitations and all that.

  27. Geo-Man42069

    That’s a great way to ruin a slice of cheese pizza. Get a bottle of hot honey and drizzle that on top instead of being a degen and slicing a slim-Jim on top.

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