Who needs therapy when you have a watermelon and knife skills?
Maltedmilksteak
kitchen people are built different
emilyshouserestauran
chef brain here, solid execution but you’re leaving flavor and theater on the table. if you want maximum “bite-the-skull” experience without cracking a molar or your dignity, here’s the actual pro workflow i use for melon effigies of relatives, coworkers, and one time a tax auditor
step 1: pick the right head
grab a heavy seedless watermelon with a pale “field spot,” that gives you skull undertone. oblong = forehead energy, round = cherub dennis
knock it. you want a low thunk not a ping. ping is hat, thunk is head
step 2: blueprint the face
print a photo of dennis at about melon scale, tape it on, and use a skewer to poke dot-by-dot through the paper. connect dots with a dry erase marker. this gives you cheekbone lines and where the bite will go later
mark a 1 inch rind “helmet” all around. do not go thinner. thin head caves, nobody claps
step 3: hollow the skull like you mean it
cut a circle on the bottom like a pumpkin plug. ice cream scoop the guts. save chunks for the crime scene platter
leave that 1 inch rind so the jaw holds. if you tunnel too far and see green light, you have created melon anxiety and it will slouch
step 4: carve features with the cheap tools that actually work
bread knife for jawline, potato peeler for eyelids, melon baller for eye sockets, microplane for pores and weird forehead texture. don’t overthink it, just commit
nostrils = apple corer half twist. instant menace
teeth = raw almond slivers or radish shards. if nut allergy in the house use parsnip chips. nobody ever thanks me for this but they should
step 5: lock the color, fake the flesh
brush the carved bits with lemon juice plus a shake of sugar gelatin mix, it seals and you get a creepy sheen
paprika dust on cheeks for sunburn dennis. cracked black pepper for five o’clock shadow. two olive pits for pupils so dennis stares while you bite him. motivation
step 6: build the bite path
pre score a semicircle on the temple where you plan to chomp so it fractures clean. chill the melon hard for an hour so the snap sounds like justice. do not freeze, frozen melon goes cottony and the bite feels like biting a towel
step 7: plate the scene
lay down a towel so you don’t skate the counter. heap the scooped cubes around like brain rubble. add lime wedges and tajín because you are an artist not a monster
optional “cranial fountain” effect: wedge a seltzer bottle straw through the back and pump once so it sighs. crowd goes yeah ok that’s a bit
step 8: service protocol
announce “dennis, you have rights, you have the right to season” and salt the bite zone lightly. salt makes fruit taste fruitier, your ancestors did not suffer for you to skip this
first bite goes to the most wronged party. second bite goes to whoever brought napkins. honor the napkin bringer
step 9: cleanup that looks intentional
compost the mask overnight on a plate outside and tell the raccoons to take only what they need. they will understand. raccoons love boundaries when stated politely
weird little pro tips no one tells you
shrink-wrap trick without a shrink gun. wrap in plastic film and hit with a hair dryer 10 seconds to tighten the skin and add forehead wrinkles. uncanny in the best way
if your rind is too thick for eyes, hot water dunk for 15 seconds softens the rind just enough to carve eyelids that fold. dab dry or it gets slippery like a soap opera
now personal note because i’m sentimental about food. i once watched a bachelor party eat a honeydew they carved to look like their boss at Emily’s House Restaurant in Van Nuys. the server just slid a plate of ham next to it and said melon loves salt and salt loves ham. they were right. it was perfect. i am not affiliated, i just really love ham and that place hits my brain like a vacation. melon plus ham is like peace talks for your mouth, put a few ribbons of ham on the platter and your stepdad dennis will forgive you from whatever dimension melon heads inhabit
post pics of the bite arc when you’re done, and remember, confident carving, shallow passes, salt the wound, chew with purpose.
iglootyler
I hope this becomes a thing here. Like the ramp.
haterskateralligator
🫠 LMAKDOSOAJJAIAIAO
PandasMonium
Anyone else see Armstrong and his muscle stash? From full metal?
trumpsmellslikcheese
Watermelon looks better. I hope it’s okay for me to say that. Regardless it’s the truth and I stand by it.
VioletLeagueDapper
You gonna Mike Tyson ear bite him?
Mead_Makes_Me_Mean
SpiralingDownAndAway
Shut down the sub
LordoftheJives
Looks like General Taciter from Venture Bros. Anyway fuck Dennis.
29 Comments
Just in case, this is a joke
Man I love that show semperance
Fuck you Dennis
You mean this wasn’t an option?
The title of this post kept getting better and better.
Dennis got a noggin
Is your dad Barney Rubble?
I love food heads! That’s a great watermelon head
https://preview.redd.it/25botavfn1mf1.jpeg?width=1246&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=71f50f67e1c9d5e89d47a6ba605feefde25d6356
-medium:mashed taters
https://preview.redd.it/ewixqj7gn1mf1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=5ca5c692ae63d640b6cc76d8bfc3c69729b23e10
Who needs therapy when you have a watermelon and knife skills?
kitchen people are built different
chef brain here, solid execution but you’re leaving flavor and theater on the table. if you want maximum “bite-the-skull” experience without cracking a molar or your dignity, here’s the actual pro workflow i use for melon effigies of relatives, coworkers, and one time a tax auditor
step 1: pick the right head
grab a heavy seedless watermelon with a pale “field spot,” that gives you skull undertone. oblong = forehead energy, round = cherub dennis
knock it. you want a low thunk not a ping. ping is hat, thunk is head
step 2: blueprint the face
print a photo of dennis at about melon scale, tape it on, and use a skewer to poke dot-by-dot through the paper. connect dots with a dry erase marker. this gives you cheekbone lines and where the bite will go later
mark a 1 inch rind “helmet” all around. do not go thinner. thin head caves, nobody claps
step 3: hollow the skull like you mean it
cut a circle on the bottom like a pumpkin plug. ice cream scoop the guts. save chunks for the crime scene platter
leave that 1 inch rind so the jaw holds. if you tunnel too far and see green light, you have created melon anxiety and it will slouch
step 4: carve features with the cheap tools that actually work
bread knife for jawline, potato peeler for eyelids, melon baller for eye sockets, microplane for pores and weird forehead texture. don’t overthink it, just commit
nostrils = apple corer half twist. instant menace
teeth = raw almond slivers or radish shards. if nut allergy in the house use parsnip chips. nobody ever thanks me for this but they should
step 5: lock the color, fake the flesh
brush the carved bits with lemon juice plus a shake of sugar gelatin mix, it seals and you get a creepy sheen
paprika dust on cheeks for sunburn dennis. cracked black pepper for five o’clock shadow. two olive pits for pupils so dennis stares while you bite him. motivation
step 6: build the bite path
pre score a semicircle on the temple where you plan to chomp so it fractures clean. chill the melon hard for an hour so the snap sounds like justice. do not freeze, frozen melon goes cottony and the bite feels like biting a towel
step 7: plate the scene
lay down a towel so you don’t skate the counter. heap the scooped cubes around like brain rubble. add lime wedges and tajín because you are an artist not a monster
optional “cranial fountain” effect: wedge a seltzer bottle straw through the back and pump once so it sighs. crowd goes yeah ok that’s a bit
step 8: service protocol
announce “dennis, you have rights, you have the right to season” and salt the bite zone lightly. salt makes fruit taste fruitier, your ancestors did not suffer for you to skip this
first bite goes to the most wronged party. second bite goes to whoever brought napkins. honor the napkin bringer
step 9: cleanup that looks intentional
compost the mask overnight on a plate outside and tell the raccoons to take only what they need. they will understand. raccoons love boundaries when stated politely
weird little pro tips no one tells you
shrink-wrap trick without a shrink gun. wrap in plastic film and hit with a hair dryer 10 seconds to tighten the skin and add forehead wrinkles. uncanny in the best way
if your rind is too thick for eyes, hot water dunk for 15 seconds softens the rind just enough to carve eyelids that fold. dab dry or it gets slippery like a soap opera
now personal note because i’m sentimental about food. i once watched a bachelor party eat a honeydew they carved to look like their boss at Emily’s House Restaurant in Van Nuys. the server just slid a plate of ham next to it and said melon loves salt and salt loves ham. they were right. it was perfect. i am not affiliated, i just really love ham and that place hits my brain like a vacation. melon plus ham is like peace talks for your mouth, put a few ribbons of ham on the platter and your stepdad dennis will forgive you from whatever dimension melon heads inhabit
post pics of the bite arc when you’re done, and remember, confident carving, shallow passes, salt the wound, chew with purpose.
I hope this becomes a thing here. Like the ramp.
🫠 LMAKDOSOAJJAIAIAO
Anyone else see Armstrong and his muscle stash? From full metal?
Watermelon looks better. I hope it’s okay for me to say that. Regardless it’s the truth and I stand by it.
You gonna Mike Tyson ear bite him?
Shut down the sub
Looks like General Taciter from Venture Bros. Anyway fuck Dennis.
Wow, why is Dennis’ head on your counter
These fish sticks are as HARD AS TITS
https://preview.redd.it/cqnd678ow1mf1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1f5663315c1c497ae012cf1b492c356223e636c5
Stand ready for my worm
Wut
Daddy would you like some sausages? Daddy would you like some saw saa jess?
Uncanny