Asking Eric: We weren’t invited to a family holiday dinner

Dear Eric: My father’s side has always hosted holiday meals. We are all in our 60s and 70s. My parents are gone, and kids are in their 20s and 30s.

My cousin has taken over and puts on a great celebration. With Covid and the death of her mother she did not host/invite us, which hurt our feelings because we enjoyed the time to see everyone.

I reached out in 2023 to see if we offended someone, she said no and invited us all over. She did not in 2024. Again, hurt feelings.

While I am not going to reach out and beg again, I am at the point to write off that side, especially when we have a wedding coming up (Oct 2026). The wedding will be very expensive per plate, should we invite them, we’d be inviting 12 of them. Should I wait to see what happens this year for Thanksgiving?

– Uninvited Family

Dear Family: It’s helpful to think about this from her side. Hosting is a big job and, even when gladly undertaken, can be challenging. Also, as you noted, things shifted dramatically globally and in her personal world, so holidays may have an added layer of grief. I wouldn’t take it personally. Her mother died and she didn’t host a huge family dinner; it’s not about you.

You write that you enjoy showing up and have hurt feelings when she doesn’t host, but I don’t see mention of things you’re doing to gather your family, including her. Your father’s side traditionally hosts, but you’re part of your father’s side, too. There’s an opportunity for you to share responsibility.

To that end, this wedding seems like a perfect time to welcome your family with open arms. Yes, adding 12 people is expensive “per plate,” but how many free plates have you enjoyed over the years? It’s not tit for tat, but sometimes if we want to see loved ones, we have to make the invitation.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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