Dining and Cooking
Day 1: Chopping crayons until the sub says they’re perfect
In Kitchen Confidential

Day 1: Chopping crayons until the sub says they’re perfect


Chefs, forgive me, for I have sinned… may the kitchen gods have mercy on me for what I've done to my knife.

My kid’s 1st grade class is doing a “make your own rock cycle” project, and apparently the igneous stage requires a fine chiffonade of Crayola. So here I am, standing at my board, mincing crayon and channeling my inner chive-guy.

My cuts are rough and inconsistent, but I’ll be back tomorrow. And the day after. Until the sub finally says my crayon cuts are perfect.

by EmeraldEmesis

36 Comments

  12. CosmicChameleon99

    Get a pestle and mortar. They should be a fine powder.

  13. Skate_faced

    Why is my nose burning and what is this urge to get a straw and snort?

    This sub is fucking me up.

    Neat.

  14. Inevitable_Day1202

    those things jump all over when you chop them, i think you did great

  18. Hairysnowman1713

    Chopping crayons until chef says “what the fuck? Hey buddy you can go home , we’ve got you covered.”

  20. StJimmy_815

    When does a sub die?

    An ambitious person has an idea to share, that believes others will share that idea and create more ideas, thus, they create a sub. Many subs die before reaching anything beyond their start. Some die out just shy of becoming something bigger than it was supposed to be, whether it be from burnout or the ceasing of new people and ideas.

    But some subs, they reach a peak they truly can never top. The sub becomes engulfed in the idea of what their peak is and how they can replicate it. It becomes meta upon meta constructs and memes until nothing of the original exists and the sub collapses in upon itself, taken down from within.

    My friends, I believe we’ve hit the Chive singularity that will inevitably end this sub. What will happen when the chives are perfect? Will there be normal posts that don’t have anything to do with chives? During the chives or post-chives? Will there ever be perfect chives or is it a fever dream to even consider? Why do MY chives look like shit? Why do I care at all since before the singularity, I didn’t care if it was a sliver sliced longways at the behest of an extremely intoxicated prep worker?

    I can’t say for sure, but what I can for sure is that the future of this sub is unsure.

    I’ll see you tomorrow chef…I hope

  21. VGK9Logan

    That knife 🙁

    They’re perfect! They’re perfect!

  24. Unlikely-Zombie1813

    First, calling this a chiffonade is delusional, chef.

    Second, *it wasn’t even supposed to be a chiffonade to begin with*. We’re going for variance, chef. We want to showcase that igneous rocks can be intrusive or extrusive, and that this can lead to *several* diferent outcomes. We want people to know it was deliberately and carefully cut by a dedicated chef, and not bought ready made from sysco. And that’s not what i’m getting right now, chef.

    You really need to get it together, chef. We’re trying to get the kid a star here, you know?

  25. AnalogCat

    My dad was a marine, we ate this a lot growing up, brings back memories

    ![gif](giphy|ex5i3xPhozedq)

  26. Ffwoody144

    God bless someone needed to feed the marines during this government shutdown. Thank you for your service.

  28. joannamomo

    Getting ready for the USMC’s 250th bday celebration next week?!

  36. ButtsFartsoPhD

    Ah I see you’re a chef for the marine corps, nice.