Bill, I’ve never been pulled aboard a UFO. However, I have stood in line for 30 minutes at Market Basket’s deli for a lobster finger sandwich, which is also an otherworldly experience. No regrets, though: They slather it with mayo.
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I was further accused of having a toddler’s palate for a principled opposition to celery. Rest assured: I’ll eat offal and tripe, eel and alligator. But those flaccid logs passing as food? No self-respecting toddler would consume such a thing. At least Mike Faber from Castle Pines, Colo., agrees: “Celery in anything [is] a waste of space and a filler that should be enjoyed by rabbits only,” Faber says.
Kara Baskin was accused of having a toddler’s palate for having an opposition to celery.The Boston Globe/Globe Freelance
Someone offered to send me a bushel of fresh bananas because I dislike them on cereal. I can’t reveal my address, though, lest Big Raisin finds me: “It’s not the raisin’s fault that you think they’re chocolate chips,” huffed one of several dried-grape sympathizers.
At least I can hide with Brandie Cottrell in bucolic Rutland, Vt.: “Grapes are only as good as the wine they make; when they shrivel, they should be considered dead,” Cottrell declares.
South Hadley’s Anthony Hill is appalled by Waldorf salad. I had to Google the ingredients and was better off not knowing. Apple slices? Walnuts? Raisins? This is trail mix. Anthony, the good news is, I’m not sure anyone has actually served Waldorf salad since the Nixon administration.
In Pawtucket, R.I., Ruth Shaver believes that too much heat in a dish is “a terrible violation of the cook-diner pact.”
Yes, Ruth, enjoyable dining hinges on trust. That’s why Belmont’s Chip Hawkinson feels deceived by rum raisin ice cream.
“Imagine taking a spoonful of what you think is chocolate chip ice cream and finding rum raisin. If putting raisins in cookies is a misdemeanor, putting raisins in ice cream is a felony,” Hawkinson laments.
Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. John G. in Stow detests mint chocolate chip ice cream. “Why would you put toothpaste in ice cream and ruin chocolate?”Scott Suchman/For The Washington Post
John G. in Stow — no last name given, and you’ll soon see why — detests (delicious, in my opinion) mint chocolate chip ice cream.
“Why would you put toothpaste in ice cream and ruin chocolate?” they wonder.
Another handy way to ruin chocolate is by combining it with hummus.
“Chocolate-flavored hummus should be a crime,” states Jim Tedstone in North Chelmsford.
Many of you find garlic to be polarizing. In Salem, Nancy Hassell is offended by the jarred, minced variety. In Boston, Joseph Zloch is an equal-opportunity garlic skeptic.
It is “appearing in more and more recipes, even when it is not appropriate. The pungent flavor overwhelms the other flavors and negates them. It has gotten to the point where I have to ask restaurant servers, ”What is in your ‘special seasonings?’ before I will place my order. It never used to be this way,” Zloch laments.
Most can agree that garlic in pasta is commonplace, but grated cheese in a seafood pasta is “a cardinal sin,” per Boston’s J.R. Hardenburgh.
“Does not matter what cheese you grate: Parmesan, Romano, Asiago, you name it, never mix the fruits of the sea (fish) with the fruits of the land (cheese),” they say.
The earth’s riches are further insulted by aromatics deployed willy-nilly.
“Scrambled eggs have stood the test of time. Why add parsley or any other herb distraction to one of nature’s miracles?” wonders Mark Tuckerman in Belfast, Maine.
Not a miracle of nature: Sprouts.
“If I wanted grass, I’d go out and eat my lawn,” grumbles Joanne Mendes in New Bedford.
In Newton, Al Lewis is contending with unnatural phenomena, namely “apple pie with large apple slices so undercooked they bite back, surrounded by goo.”
Retaliatory apple pie seems mild compared with Kris Kearney’s gruesome chili experience. Discovering whole olives in chili was “like finding an eyeball in my dinner,” recounts the Seekonk resident, who is still recovering.
“It happened many years ago, but I haven’t forgotten the disappointment,” they report.
In Somerville, Greg MacPhee has been blindsided by malevolent muffins.
Jordan Marsh blueberry muffins have a little extra sugar sprinkled on top. Yummy! (To some.)Food styling/Sheryl Julian and Valerie Ryan
“Muffins topped with sugar crystals [are] a hill I am willing to die on. When I bite into a warm, soft muffin, the last thing I want to hear or feel is a crunch,” MacPhee says.
And, in North Andover, Luke Michel feels violated by “foamy emulsions” and “spaghetti squash in any guise.” Michel also takes issue with balsamic vinaigrette, which is benign compared with ketchup on hot dogs and mustard on hamburgers.
“It defies the natural laws of condiments,” declares Waltham’s Deborah Wollner. “Other condiment choices are allowable based on personal preference.”
Really, though, nothing excuses Kate Hoccheiser from Topsfield’s travesty. Hoccheiser wrote in to criticize “Ritz crackers with peanut butter and then a dollop of ketchup.”
Is this a North Shore delicacy, or a 1970s dinner-party experiment gone awry?
Slathering peanut butter with ketchup is peculiar, but fruit on pizza is a “truly an inexcusable desecration of the ubiquitous pie,” insists Hingham’s Paul Jeffrey. Jeffrey is mainly flummoxed by Hawaiian pizza, which commingles pineapple with heated cold cuts.
Warm ham and pineapple is stomach-churning to some, though it doesn’t compare to “hot lettuce,” a cause célèbre for P. Miner in Newmarket, N.H.
“I’m a fervent advocate against the baffling inclusion of lettuce in hot meals. Lettuce’s one job is to be cold and crisp. When it shows up sad and wilted on a burger or in a take-out burrito bowl, I feel like I’m eating a wet paper towel. It’s often served shredded, too, which makes it even harder to pick out its limp remains,” Miner insists.
Wellesley’s Dennis Noonan is disgusted by pre-mixed gravy and pre-cooked bacon, plus chunks of fruit in a green salad. Speaking of chunks: Christopher Corcoran refuses to eat “chicken soup containing enormous chunks of chicken the size of one’s hand,” which sounds more appealing than eyeball olives in chili, though not by much.
And, though Midwesterners have a reputation for politeness, Ann Weaver in Toledo, Ohio, won’t hold back about chicken or pineapple à la orange: “My super taste buds feel confused and disgusted by these matches made in culinary hell,” Weaver says. (What are super taste buds, and could I borrow them for special events?)
And yet, amid such controversy, Christopher Welch in Bedford strikes a conciliatory tone.
“One should never criticize someone else’s culinary preferences. That is the only food crime,” Welch says.
That, and raisins in cookies. I won’t back down until I’m captured by a UFO.
Kara Baskin can be reached at kara.baskin@globe.com. Follow her @kcbaskin.
Dining and Cooking