Tuna and Bean Salad – Stress and Introspection

Hi! I’m Giulia.

Ciao! Mi chiamo Giulia.

In this video I make a tasty lunch – Tuna and Bean Salad – while I talk about my relationship with stress, introspection and inadequacy. Stress is a big factor in my life. I have had many stresses but I have also had the fortune of a safety net. So I have experienced a bit of both. I’m aware of my priveledge but also aware of the shortcomings in my life. That said, stress is important as it is a trigger for my symptoms. Having syringomyelia means that most of what I experience is unpredictable, but we know that stress increases the frequency of routine altering symptoms. What is your relationship with stress and how do you cope?

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of Julia and her inner monologue uh while she cooks. So, I am kind of in this really weird space where I’m starting to view stress in a different way. I’m looking at stress as something that is more affected by other things than actually being stressed. Because I realized something about myself. I’m actually pretty calm in many situations. um let’s just say your kind of everyday situations, you know, even whatever stressful kind of thing it might be, paperwork, whatever. I’m I’m generally quite calm and get through it quite easily. I’m able to navigate most of bureaucracy without getting agitated. But I do find myself having adverse reactions to stress, but particular in situations where I need to perform. And I had this aha moment of, oh wow, look at that. The stress that I’m feeling is not necessarily the overwhelming um weight of the situation or the stress itself, but rather I am stressed out by the feeling of inadequacy that I have. Now, for the most part, I don’t feel particularly inadequate in that, well, at least my cooking and I know that I’m a good writer, but I also avoid writing because it all stems from that feeling of inadequacies. Even in my own cooking, I find that I don’t approach things necessarily with the utmost confidence every single time. It is a lot easier with cooking and dancing things that I’ve been doing for a very long time. So, they feel more familiar and they have a comfy place for me. They they exist in a comfort zone. So, it’s not as difficult to allow myself to be open or voice my opinions or voice the knowledge that I have. Whereas many other areas, even gardening, um, animal husbandry, spiders, whatever it might be, even though I do have knowledge, I tend to hold back. And I tend to hold back because I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have someone look at me in a way where, you know, I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, or I don’t have what they need me to offer, whatever whatever is going on in my going on in my mind. Um, and it probably to other people you’re like, “Oh, I’ve already passed that stage in my life and I knew this already.” Well, that’s fantastic and I’m happy for you. We all reach things at different points in our life or at least one hopes. And for me, it feels late in life, but also early enough to actually do something about it. And I don’t want to feel inadequate anymore. I’m so tired of feeling inadequate. I feel like everything about me is inadequate and I actually have a lot to offer. So my relationship with stress has changed. I don’t feel so anxious about difficult situations or as anxious as I would feel about, you know, going for like a driver’s license test because now I have to do that in Italian cuz I cannot convert my South African one. So that has been a difficult situation to deal with in that writing a test in Italian wasn’t particularly easy. Um knowing it’s not easy for uh native speakers is was daunting, but I got through it and now I’m going to go do the practical and I’ll get through that too. But in the past I would have felt so intensely nervous about it. I would already not be sleeping because of it. Whereas now, I just I actually felt some excitement about being tested and seeing and thinking, “Oh, even if I don’t get it, I’m just going to go again and I’m going to do it until I get it because that’s that’s what needs to be done, right? So, why wouldn’t I just go ahead and do it?” And yeah, so having my relationship with stress change in that way has cleared up a lot of fuzz. Um, you know, the blinders are not as strong. There’s not so much fog blocking the view, blocking the goal. And even though I’m nervous, I’m also excited. I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to happen, but I know it’s going to happen. And it was like that before we moved to Italy. I knew it cuz our our original plan was to actually move to Canada. And there were a number of factors that led us to choosing Italy. It wasn’t, you know, one thing. Um, but a a particular component of it was putting enough money together. So, if it was just myself and my husband, we would have been able to make it work. Whereas, you know, having the cats at the time, we well, we had four cats and then we had five cats and then six cats just before we left. And a lot of the money went into that. And I’m no regrets. I was never going to leave anyone behind. Um, you know, no K, no person, no individual that is part of this family is left behind. That’s that’s that’s the rule. Um, so aside from the money thing, there were other factors that pushed us towards Italy. One being that I’m I am a citizen, so it was kind of easier to move here and bring my husband over, at least at the time. Um, and so the point I want to get to is that we set out to go to Canada and very much with this idea of we’re basically earning nothing, like not enough to actually save and we had to cut down on our expenses, get our earning potential up, which we did. And we were able to to save, you know, we in some months we were able to put away 70% of what we brought in just because of how frugal we were. And that was such a good feeling. And even in that moment where we weren’t really sure how it was going to happen or how we were going to do these things, I knew that we were because we were determined. We could see the goal. And the closer it got to moving, the fuzzier it got and the more it became, okay, let’s just do this. Um though I was excited to move to Italy and experience Italy with my husband. I have a long history with it. One being a citizen, two having lived here before. Um the sorry for all the ums. I I wanted to share that with him. But the closer we got to moving, the fuzzier things got and the more anxious that I felt. The pressure was quite intense, but I was still positive. I could do this. And then a series of unfortunate events happened after moving and that led to spending more money that led to having to move apartment very shortly after moving to Italy. And then also the cats, the our two boys, Gigi and Sam got uh crystals, bladder crystals, and they both had to spend a week in hospital and then like 2 weeks of therapy. It was a whole thing. So kind of one thing after the other and and we eventually moved into this place where we’ve been uh ever since. So it’s it’s a very good situation. We have a great relationship with our land lady and we’re very well situated in the village and it’s all of these wonderful things, but I couldn’t have predicted any of this stuff happening. But I knew we would land on our feet. And yet, the longer I’ve stayed here, the more I have fallen into this kind of like what I think of as a dark pit within myself where I go and all I feel is the anxiety, the inadequacy, and all the negative feelings without the balance of the positivity. It’s where my optimism goes to die. It’s the only place it really truly does die, but never for too long. at least not this long. At the last time it was this long, I was in a very very bad situation. And this time I was able to recognize the similarities and the factors within my environment that were the same as well. And now I’m in the process of removing those. And one of those things was allowing the feelings of inadequacy to falsely fuel my feelings of stress or Yep. That’s exactly it actually. And then putting me in a situation where I feel catatonic in in my soul. No, but in in my will, right? And it’s very similar to being on like very heavy pain medication where you see, you recognize, you know, but there is a sense of numbness and it doesn’t allow you to proceed or go forward. And that was like extremely overwhelming for me to to feel those things again. I thought I had left them in the past, but here they were creeping up. And to give an example, aside from the pregnancy where I did put on weight, I already started putting on weight once I moved here. And it’s not to say that that’s a bad thing. Um, for me, it’s not great because of my spine and the extra pressure on my joints. Healthwise, it’s not fantastic, but it’s more an indication of my mental health declining because I take care I didn’t take as much care of those things and it kind of it spirals because then I start to gain weight and then I feel like crap because I haven’t taken care of myself and so on and so on. it it all you kind of snowballs into into what it is. And that then fuels these feelings of of inadequacy, this feeling that I can’t even take care of myself. How am I supposed to help support my family and it just, you know, it’s a spiral. It’s a neverending spiral. And then that pit just gets deeper and deeper and deeper. And I get fall deeper into it until I’m in kind of a darkness where the light is is just this fuzzy little thing, this speck in the distance that I need to claw my way up to. [Music] But I wasn’t going to let it win this time. It didn’t win last time when things were much worse. And this time it’s not going to win cuz I’m not about that. I will find a way out of the darkness every time. The difference is the conflict that I feel within myself and understanding that the path I feel that I must take, the path that I feel will be the best for myself and my family and where we could potentially prosper is a risky one and one that many people care about, do not necessarily agree with. And it leaves me in a situation of feeling conflicted. But at the same time, the drive to follow this path, much like my drive to go to Canada, there was a part of it that didn’t make sense in that it wasn’t logical. It was a gut feeling. And I honestly trust my gut. It’s gotten me this far and it’s helped me so much with you know my my condition in in treatment of my condition because like everyone who is sering myia it’s not it’s not linear you know and you kind of have to adapt const constantly and you know every day is bringing order to this chaos that’s happening within your body and so understanding what your body is trying to tell you is extremely important And I’ve lived my life that way. And when I followed my gut and I’ve and I work as a team with my husband, we’ve been able to accomplish things that felt near impossible. But since living here, I’ve lost that. And I become lost in this pit. And the more I do that, there gets a sense of numbness. And so I don’t follow my gut. I feel like I’m lost in limbo, waiting for a raft to come by that I can grab onto to try and get myself out of these waters, these muddy waters. And though I’m finding a way forward, those fish those fish in those muddy waters are still nipping at my toes. And every now and then, a seed of doubt creeps in. And I can feel it burying its roots deep into my mind. And then I have to go and do a bit of pruning, a bit of deweeding and I remove it. And so I’m in that kind of phase, that back and forth. So sometimes the stress is overwhelming, but other times I am moderately stressed. I’m like, “Oh, okay. I’m stressed about something, but that’s not the end of the world. That’s okay. I can be stressed and only mildly anxious. I don’t have to be overwhelmed by my anxiety and I do not have to be affected by other people’s anxiety. Just because they’re anxious about it doesn’t mean I need to be anxious about it. So here we are. Anxiety, stress, inadequacy, self-loathing. These things become a black thick tar like substance within one’s will to do anything within one’s motivation. they they get mixed together and weigh you down like you know and if you leave it for too long it will harden and it won’t be a matter of pulling through it but rather a matter of chiseling your way out which is a lot harder to fix. So it’s better to do it now. All that said, I’ve done all of this introspection and I’m very happy that I have found a different side of myself and able to have a different relationship with stress in a way where I’m not so profoundly affected by the things happening around me. It’s made work a lot easier, which is really cool. I’m actually able to focus and just get work done because I’m just not affected by other people. Now, that introspection is fantastic and I I am very happy about being able to do it. I’m very happy to have the skill for introspection, reflection, and understanding and implementation. Not just seeing it, but actually being able to implement change. I am extremely grateful for that. But I’ve done it so much that it’s become a crutch as well. And I need to take a step back from introspection in a way where empathy is more regulated. So in one of the previous videos I spoke about empathy as well. And this kind of all connects where empathy needs to take a step to the side so I can empathize and be sympathetic but not be affected by it. And that’s what I’m currently working on within myself because I know once I get this balance, I’ll be able to focus again and help my husband and myself achieve the goals that we want to achieve for our daughter and our cats and our general home and our future. I see it. I see it. Now whether it happens that’s a different story you know I I cannot predict what will happen but like everything that’s gotten me further I can follow my gut and trust in myself that I am doing what needs to be done and I truly believe that I am doing what needs to be And even though this is going to be some hard decisions and it’s going to be uncomfortable for a little while, shifting in relationships and dynamics and making relatively big changes. But if they’re done systematically with caution, with love, they can be done in a way that preserves much and it still allow for new. It’s not always going to be right and it’s going to be a bumpy road, but it is a good skill to have to be able to do that. I much prefer it. Makes it easier for everybody else. But at the same time, if a band-aid needs to be ripped, a band-aid needs to be ripped. And I’m fully prepared to do that if it’s needed. And that also means that I’m not as concerned though cautious. I’m not as concerned about many aspects because there’s there is a lot that is going on. And once we have a decision, I’ll be able to share more. But for now, it’s really just knowing that we that I’m working on my interpersonal stuff, which is also making it easier to speak to doctors. So, for anyone who is chronically ill, you’re probably very aware that speaking to doctors can be difficult, especially new doctors. And it can also be very draining. Whereas this and taking this different stance, this different approach is helping me also take a step back. Even in these very emotional um appointments or circumstances, I am finding it easier to communicate with the doctors and the nurses and the whoevers. finding some kind of clarity in something that naturally causes a lot of fog because it’s constantly having to explain stuff and people being confused about what you’re saying just, you know, cuz it’s just so odd. Whereas now it I’m just not bothered. I’m like, “Oh, they’re just people.” And that’s really cool. That’s really cool. But anyway, um yeah, that that’s kind of just what I’ve been thinking about while making this uh bean and tuna salad. So, what what are you working on? What’s what’s going on in your life? Let us know in the comments. Um yeah, and that’s my rant for today. So remember to love yourself however you wish and I’ll see you in the next uh video. Cool. Ciao. [Music]