Buffalo Cauliflower Mac N Cheese and Unsolved Crimes | Cooking with Colin

I’m not including any recipe whatsoever because I care about you all too much to do that to you. To the person who commented and suggested making this – just know, I DO NOT BLAME YOU. YOU ARE STILL A FRIEND OF THE SHOW. I BLAME THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR CRAFTING THE WITCH”S CURSE, I mean recipe, THAT I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FOLLOW.

I hope you all enjoy this episode and never attempt to create such a monstrosity. As always, thank you for watching!

Look at her. The way she lights a cigarette in the moonlight, it’s the kind of image a sailor would burn into his brain to keep from digging for pearls. And a 6’2 butt clam named Dennis from Omaha while halfway across the Pacific. Lucky for me, I’m not much of a sailor. And I know by now that staring too long at Mrs. Rose Vanderhorn could turn a man into stone. Sure did for me. You got a lot of nerves shown your face in this here town after the mess you made. You better hit the road before the whole town comes after you with pitchforks and torches and a series of unsatisfied lovers shouting their discontent at you. Yeah. Yeah. I’m on my way to the train station now. Going to catch the last train out of town. But before I do, there was something about your husband’s murder that just didn’t sit right with me. It’s nice to see you finally doing your job, detective. I never stopped doing my job. In fact, now would be a good time to address those unsatisfied lovers you mentioned. Foreplay doesn’t exist to a man like me. I’m too busy thinking about crimes. Death, murder, unsolved mysteries, motives, dusty fingerprints. Plus, I’m an alcoholic. A real son of a [ __ ] And I have gout, too. Do you have evidence on my husband’s murder or not? Ah, yes. Your husband’s murder. I returned to the scene of the crime to see if I could find a clue. Any clue that would give me some inclination as to what would have led to your husband’s demise? I found this handkerchief underneath the sofa. A handkerchief with the letters RV DH embroidered on it. Your initials, detective, those letters could mean anything. And you know that that right there is a poor excuse for evidence if you think that’s going to be held up in court or much less, you know, lead to any kind of real conviction. Ah, maybe you’re right. But I also know that your husband was in the middle of setting up a trust for his accounts. A trust that your name wouldn’t be on. Is there something you want to ask me, detective? Well, just one question. Really? Why’d you do it? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Your husband. Why did you murder your husband? You’re sounding crazy, detective. I am crazy. Crazy for crime. You better watch your step. You know it’s good for you. Hey guys, welcome to Colin’s cooking show. That is supposed to be funny. That’s great. I was invited here today to No, I Oh my god. What? I was invited here today. Who do I look at? Do it. Where do I look? But this is so like whenever you’re talking to this one, you’re talking to the audience. Whenever you’re talking to Dylan, you’re talking to Dilly Dog. Okay. And he’s a real son of a [ __ ] Okay. Real son of a [ __ ] Real son of a [ __ ] You can’t trust him as far as you can throw him, but he’s here and he’s going to be here the whole time. You’re doing great. Well, I don’t know if I have much else to say. I’m not sure of the recipe yet, Dylan, but um I heard it’s gas inducing for your first date if that’s what you want to do. Yeah. I think you got to break that barrier quick. The best way to do it is on the first date. And if have you farted on a first date? So, what do we have tonight? What are we making? Tonight we’re going to be Thank you for moving it along. This is kind of what it does. I drag I Right, Dylan. Yeah, the intros take a while. So, tonight we’re going to be making I really intro you though. Oh my god. Sorry. Sorry. I’m going to bring home to the fridge. Sorry. This is a very special episode. It’s a very exciting episode. I know I say that a lot, but without further ado, our guest tonight, rock extraordinaire Romy Reiner. There you go. Thank you, Dylan. Thank you. Thank you. This recipe that actually this was suggested to me by one of our our viewers. Believe it or not, we do have those. Dylan, really? I’ll believe it when I see it. So many. But what did they want you to make? Buffalo cauliflower mac and cheese. That’s what we’re making tonight. So, it’s going to be cauliflower and it’s going to be cheese and we’re going to add chicken to it because what’s the buffalo part? Just Frank’s red hot. None of that should be in one recipe. Yeah, I totally agree with you in my opinion. But let’s make it. But who knows? We could surprise ourselves. It could end up being really, really good. Um, I think first things first, what we got to do is we got to chop up our cauliflower. This Yeah, let’s go. I got to look up the recipe now. Okay. All right. I’m going to get the chicken ready. So, we need two heads of cauliflower. But wait, hold on. Oh my god. Does he do this every time? Does he have a hard time? Yeah, every time. And honestly, that’s what that’s helpful having you here. You seem very organized. I’m not even organized. It’s more that I can I can read something a couple times and then do it. I must be nice. You know what? Here’s the cauliflower for you. You got that? Thanks. Uh, small fuettes. It says fuettes. Yeah. I had a crazy dream last night. Do you dream? What was it? I dream. You know what? I do. I do dream, but my brain has this thing of like being really adept at wiping the hard drive as soon as I wake up. Oh, that’s nice. Yeah, I’m jealous of that. I I’m plagued by my dreams for the whole day and then for years to come. I wonder if I have sleep apnnea because I wake up and I’ming exhausted every day and I’m like am I not similarly like how you’re fighting for your life in your dreams? Am I fighting for my life like in my actual body in your daily life or? Well, just while I’m sleeping cuz I can’t while you’re sleeping. By the way, I just boiled six cups of water. Six cups of water if you don’t mind trying to make like a sound effect. Cauliflower. Really good. Great. I’m kind of scared. I’m in like a random place with these guys and they’re telling me to put cauliflower up and it’s I’m just like what the where am I? What’s What’s weird about this? That looks really cool. Well, I think it’s crazy to go to coffee on a first date. Can I just say why are we almost having diarrhea on a first date? That’s That’s fair. I’m scared it’s going to splash around. You’re going to do great. Whoa, that’s hot. Good. [ __ ] And we got most of it in there. That’s good. Okay. Yeah. I’m sorry. Don’t eat that. That’s so hot. Don’t Don’t try at least whole. Maybe a couple more minutes. So, we’ve had our cauliflower boiling in the water for I don’t know, six, seven minutes. Maybe eight. Who knows? What you want is you want to cook these until they’re about fork tender. You want to try this one? Oh, no. I I don’t think I’ll have any of it. Oh my god. That’s good to go. What are we making again? I forget. Buffalo cauliflower. There’s no noodles. Yeah. What? That kind of sucks, right? What? I know. This is quicker than the other recipes that I found. The other one was like 55 minutes. What’s this one? 54. Nice. I don’t know. I mean, I have very low hopes for this. That’s good. Yeah, the bar’s nice and low. I feel like this is going to be absolutely dog. All right. Low bar means we It’s only up from here, right? I guess my question for you is Colin, is there ever a time where you get to a place where you’re not doing well enough in your career that you would turn to porn or right now? Um, let’s move on. I agree with that. So, what are we making? Hold on. We’re going to make our cheese sauce. So, we’re going to get one cup chicken broth and gross. What? Cheese sauce. What? It’s going to be good. Wa! Yeah, that’s too hot. Should I get the cheese? Half a cup. Yes, please. Oh, wa. Fitting right in. You nailed it. Thanks, Romy. This is going to be so gnarly. I don’t know. You’re the guy that has a cooking show. I know, but I don’t know what I’m doing. You do. You do know what you’re doing. What are you doing right now? I’m putting the cream cheese in the uh the milk in the chicken broth. That is a That’s a horrifying concoction. You see that? Pretty gross. Chicken broth. Milk. Cream cheese is demonic. This has to be That smells awful. I’m sick. That smells really bad. It smells really bad. I’m super worried. I think once we get the cauliflower in there, it’s going to be a lot better. This is a perfect date night meal. What is your ideal date night meal? I don’t know. This is a terrible question. I’m not the kind. What’s your ideal date? I don’t get out much. Yeah, me neither. I think something that’s low stakes. I like to go to museums. This is so gross. Do you see this? Yeah, I smell it, too. I don’t know. I like nature stuff. If I like maybe go to the beach, find rocks. That’s kind of fun. That is fun. Add the cream cheese and stir until it’s melted and combined. But do you see that? Doesn’t look melted or combined. It’s curdled almost. It might seem like the cream cheese isn’t melting or combining with the liquid for a while. That’s fine. Just Just keep stirring. Okay. Just keep stirring, guys. It might never look like it’s It might never look like it’s combining, but keep stirring. Don’t lose faith. Oh. Oh, perfect. doing. That’s great. That’s what we wanted to do. Wo. So, now we’re going to dump the shredded cheese in there. Two cups shredded cheese. This the smell is just What if you love it? What if that’s a possible? That’s true. I mean, I’m not ruling that out. We’re going to have to put the rest of that cheese in because it’s like water. Okay. Are you seeing this? Like, do you see the water of it? Pretty gross. All right. That’s not what it’s supposed to look like. Guys, we’re not giving up, right? We don’t give up on this show. We got this. Can I just put this in there? Well, don’t do the whole block. Why do like another like half cup? Will you pay for my hospital bill when I have to go to the hospital after this meal? Of course. Oh my god, this looks worse than it’s ever looked. Yeah, I think that made it worse if I’m being honest. Oh my god, I really am sick. I can’t believe this. Hey, Colin. What? Gordon Ramsey’s butter is not where is it? Oh, god damn it. Man, that’s why this whole thing’s Man, what are you getting? What are the notes of the stench you’re getting? Uh, it’s like I don’t know, like uh garbage or something. You know, it said 5 to 6 minutes and it’s been on there 30. Yeah, it’s been on there for a [ __ ] long time. That’s Dude, this sucks, man. This [ __ ] sucks. This recipe is dog [ __ ] okay? Because clearly something’s jump on this and it probably has something to do with all the goddamn chicken broth and milk that I put in there, but I followed the recipe. I did exactly as I was supposed to do. I did. Can I say something? I’m still excited to eat it. Hold on. Let’s get this. I’m not happy right now. I’m eyeballing it cuz honestly, the recipe that they gave me has not worked so far. I’m going to add cornstarch to it. Hopefully that thickens it up. Be careful with that. I’m horrified. Oh, this is Oh my god. Oh man, I’m still excited for this. Dylan, thanks Dylan. I love buffalo. I love cauliflower. I love runny cheese. Yes, we needed you for this. I think this is actually very dangerous. What you’re doing? What? I think this is very dangerous. No, I do. I think this this is really really hazardous. It’s like a biohazard waste. Like that. This is not okay. We can cheese it up more. Just finish the block of cheese. Okay. That is so much cheese. It’s a lot of cheese. Are you seeing the thing, Dylan? I mean, I know you’re right. I love how you both just steamrolled me. Whatever that means. Sorry. This actually looks pretty good. Romy Ro, you were right. I’m so sorry we steamrolled you back there. You’re right. It’s okay. And you know, if it were really up to me, I’d put more of that cream cheese in. Really? Yeah. Well, you’ve been right so far, so get in there, girl. You You got to Don’t do Don’t no Don’t Don’t Don’t do Please don’t do the whole thing. Are you going to do Were you really going to do the whole thing? You having fun? Okay, fair enough. Is this a fun show? Hey, this is not a fun show. Don’t let Hey, don’t let me yuck your yuck. Fine. What? No. No. Whatever you want. No, no, man. This is I don’t want to eat it. Are you serious? No. No. I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it. You’ve been making me feel bad this whole time about me telling you that I’m not going to eat it. And now you’re saying I’m not going to eat it. No. No. I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it. It’s my monster. It’s my Frankenstein. I deserve to eat it. I think I made a big mistake with what? I think I shouldn’t have added that. Well, I didn’t want to steamroll you, but it seemed like a bad idea. You should have. You know, I can only get sick from one element of this meal. No, but that’s the fun of this is you can get sick from anything. This is so messed up, man. It’ll be better, I think, than you think. I don’t I don’t God damn it. How do you do this to me? I’m not giving this any more time. I’m going to be honest with you guys. Yeah. I don’t I don’t care anymore. No. No. You got to cheese it. The people should know. The people should know not to make this. Don’t make it. Don’t make it. This is a warning. This is part of why we do this show is because we find these recipes online. and we go, “Okay, is this real or is it bullshit?” So, this would be the worst thing to make on a first date. For sure. It makes you gassy. It’s cheese soup and it doesn’t even have the [ __ ] pasta, which is the whole thing with mac and cheese and this chicken. Sorry. Now, I’m dumping my cheese. Did you get it? Did you see that? Looks pretty good. He’s so positive. You’re so positive. I got it. I mean, look at him. He’s crushed. We pay him. Yeah. I have to go on the other side of the wind. That’s looking pretty good. You could not Oh, the sound. Do you hear the sound? Do you hear the sound? We still have to try it, though. Yeah, we got to eat. Maybe it’s the best tasting thing we’ve all ever had. I doubt that. You guys hungry. Romy, you’re the guest of honor, so I’m going to give you yours first. Where are the sandwiches? They’re right there in the Tupperware. Oh, Colin, that’s a lot. You hungry? You drove so far along to be here. I have to I I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually do that to myself. My body is shuddering. I’m shuddering cuz you’re so excited. Am I being dramatic? All right. I followed the recipe. Okay. I did what it said on there and it lied to me. Tea sauce. [ __ ] [ __ ] I was going to say [ __ ] you. Buffalo. I’m so sorry. Cauliflower mac and cheese with chicken. What’s that face? It’s not as bad as you thought it was going to be. I can see it in your eyes. Okay. No, no, no. To be fair, it’s not It’s not good. This is not meant saying it’s good, but admit it. It’s not as terrible as you thought it was going to be. It is. It actually is. It is. So, you’re going for a second huge bite. I’m probably going to need a whole bowl if I’m being honest with you. I’m telling you, you see this actually, you guys? Yeah. I mean, it doesn’t look good, but I’m still excited to try it. Someone out there, help me, please. Did you get any of the chicken in there? But also like [ __ ] this. If you had to give it a flavor score, what’s that? Somebody doesn’t watch the show. What’s that? Is that a part of the show? Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, including decimals. You can do decimals. Is what you would rate the taste of this dish? I would give it a a 0.00001. So, she liked it a little bit. I would give it. Okay. And I’m going to be very honest. No, you’re not. No one’s being honest here. You know what? I am. This is crazy. I’m not No one’s being honest. No one’s No one’s being honest. I’m really being gaslit right now. No, no, no. I’m going to be honest. It It’s not great. I don’t think it’s a 0.00001 bad. It’s one five. I’ll give it a I’d give it a 5.7 because it’s it’s technically food. We’re just in Looney Tune. Looney Town. Toontown. I swear to God, I was going to say 5.5. Really? Yeah. See? Well, what would you give it on a health score? Uh health score, you know, you actually do have a lot of great things going for it. Like if you’re going to be technical about it, you have your cauliflower, which is vegetables, and then you have a lot of protein, which is great. And cheese is good for you have your fat in there and a little a little bit more protein. We did a whole block of it. And milk, too. So, you’re going to get some good vitamins. High protein meal. That’s good. Yeah, it’s really good. It would be like a nine, eight. A nine on a health scale. That kind of makes up for the whole flavor thing, you know? Yeah. I I’m going to be a little bit more critical on the health. I’m going to say um a 6.8 on cuz there’s so much cheese in it. Yeah, it’s probably Yeah, I only had a couple bites and it’s I don’t I do have a stomach ache. I don’t feel great and I’m upset that we went through all this. I mean, I’ve been I’ve beening running around. What the [ __ ] You know, I’m going to take that leaf blower and just blow this whole set. Should I do it? Wait, don’t do it. Don’t do it. What did we learn? We learned that sometimes you can’t trust what you find on the internet. There’s some stuff out on the internet that’s going to feed you tall tales. Comment sections that are going to be like, “This is so good. I want to freeze it so I can enjoy it months from now.” Be honest, I don’t ever want to see this ever again. I feel bad that I dragged Romy here. Was it the worst thing I’ve ever had? No. I’ve had much worse. But those were dark days when I was eating that stuff. I was a different person then. I’ve been in therapy, been working on myself. And I would like to think that I’m past putting [ __ ] like that in my mouth. So, you don’t usually put [ __ ] in your mouth. Is that what you’re saying? Not usually. Don’t make this. Okay. Look, you know, things aren’t always as they seem. People aren’t as happy as they seem on Instagram. Recipes aren’t as yummy as they might look. I’d like to thank my guest, Romy. But I hope in time, enough time passes, you’ll be able to forgive me. I already do. I could. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t. Thank you for watching another episode of Cooking with Colin. Thank you, Rose. Don’t do anything you might regret. I think you really need to watch yourself. Ha! Empty. Wish it didn’t have to come to this rose, but here we are. Ah. It’s the end of the line for you, Rose. Careful, Rose. Don’t want to poke your eye out with that thing. See you in hell, you stinky little butt boy.