Living stylishly isn’t only about having a beautiful house, it’s also about how we behave. As a philosophy, ‘manners’ goes back aeons, but it was in the 17th century that ‘etiquette’ was popularised, and codified. At Louis XIV’s palace of Versailles, a rigid system was devised, with some decidedly peculiar rules: knocking on doors was out in favour of gently scratching them, for which people grew a single long fingernail; courtiers had to walk backwards to exit a room the king was in; and the crossing of legs in public was considered improper. The directives disseminated and shifted, became markers of social class, and – over the years – evolved.
Fast forward to today’s multicultural and supposedly class-less society, and many of the old regulations have been abandoned (for good reason and with some relief!) and we’ve been left with rules centred around the basic principle of ensuring other people feel comfortable and valued – which comes down to respect, consideration, and honesty. Mostly, it’s easy: we all know, now, that phones shouldn’t be brought to the table, and that we should ask before putting someone else’s home on social media. However, there are other details that might benefit from some clarification. Happily, the renowned authority Debrett’s is regularly updated. But we’ve also consulted some of our leading interior designers, who between them span generations and cultural identities – and know all about living with style.
How late is too late to cancel going out for dinner with a friend, or to a dinner party?
Traditionally, etiquette stated that cancellation could only occur for legitimate reasons, and even then, there were some who maintained that if it was a dinner party you were pulling out of, the onus was on the guest to nominate a replacement of the same gender and societal rank. How times have changed: Debrett’s has a whole section on ‘flakiness’, and we’ve all experienced last minute text messages citing migraines/ childcare issues/ sudden deadlines/ whatever.
There are occasions when sending those texts could have been avoidable. Tempting as it is to say yes to something due to take place in the distant future, we know of a couple of industry insiders who abide by the rule that if they don’t feel like doing whatever it is that night, they probably won’t want to do it in three weeks’ time. To which end, we also shouldn’t leave an invitation hanging just in case we do transform into an alternate, more sociable being who doesn’t mind changing tubes three times each way to cross the city on a Tuesday.
But if you have said yes – and need to change it to a no – there are guidelines. If it’s dinner out with a close friend, ‘it’s never too late to cancel as long as you’re honest about why,’ suggests Brandon Schubert (though know that if you’re a repeat offender, they might pause on making plans with you.) ‘If it’s a new friend, you should give them at least 12 hours-notice, and there should be a good reason,’ he continues. The rules change when it comes to a dinner party, when the host will have bought groceries, wine and flowers – or organised catering. ‘An on the day cancellation is far too late,’ says Susie Atkinson of Studio Atkinson. Indeed, ‘provided you haven’t been invited at the last moment, you have to give at least a week’s notice,’ says Brandon – a time frame Patrick O’Donnell concurs with. That said, both concede that there are, sometimes, real, unavoidable, emergencies – and illnesses. And then, well, it again comes down to honesty.
Wine? Flowers? Olive oil? What are we meant to be taking to other people’s houses now?
Recently, a spate of articles have declared extra virgin olive oil the gift of choice, apparently overtaking wine – while wine, in some circles, is reportedly considered rude. If the wine thing sounds baffling, rest assured that Debrett’s is not in agreement – reckoning that wine, good chocolates or flowers are all an appropriate token presentation. And what is probable is that the suitability of any present is going to depend on individual circumstances. There are stages of life where ‘bring a bottle’ is a directive to be adhered to, others where the host will have ordered a case of a particular wine in advance and is likely to put whatever you bring in a cupboard (which doesn’t negate its value.)
Dining and Cooking